I Swear I'm Not an Alcoholic!

Zach and I are kindred spirits.

Ben Franklin once said that “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy,” and I totally agree with the man. I don’t believe in God but I believe in alcohol. I know it’s bad to start out a sentence with, “I’m not an alcoholic, but...,” but I’m not an alcoholic, but booze makes everything better. Everything. Better.

Figuring out how much alcohol you should consume in order to improve certain situations is definitely an art form and takes years of fine-tuning. I now know that drinking a Bud 40 improves my academic essay-writing skills tenfold and taking upwards of ten shots of tequila over a 3-hour period gives me superpowers like the ability to twerk. Of course I can’t twerk it, but damn does it feel like I can. That’s the whole point of alcohol, anyway. There’s a reason why social anxiety medication makes you feel a little tipsy. Inhibitions are important and necessary but very boring, and sometimes they stand in the way of your ability to have fun. Knowing how to rid yourself of certain inhibitions while retaining crucial motor skills and basic abilities (aka not acting like anyone on the Jersey Shore when you’re drunk) is key. I’m not telling you to become an alcoholic, I’m telling you how to put your already latent alcoholism to your advantage. You’re welcome.

There are so many things that a drink or two can vastly improve. This includes but is not limited to grocery shopping, working out, having coffee with someone you haven’t seen in years, waiting at the DMV, work (if you work a shitty service industry job), and getting dressed/ready to go somewhere. I’m such a huge advocate of the latter. Picking out an outfit or putting on makeup whilst tipsy is the best idea ever because everything looks awesome when you’re buzzed. I like to think of a shot or a tallboy as a mini ego-boost and a few drinks more than that as a skill-improver. Being legitimately drunk turns everyone into a better dancer, singer, conversationalist, and cook. It’s just the truth. But once you pass the threshold of being awesomely drunk to hopelessly wasted, you’re done for. The only thing that being black-out drunk helps is your ability to lose all of your belongings and sleep like a heavily sedated zombie. Know your limits! Never take shots upon shots in a row because you’re desperate to be drunk as soon as possible; you’ll just end up puking on the dance floor at your high school formal. I’m speaking from experience, guys. Be safe, have fun, and don't be a douchebag.