Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw

Who says that guys are the only ones who get hard-ons for films with lots blood, guts, and violence? It’s fine for women to want bad boys, but what about bad boys (and girls) with other people’s blood splattered all over their faces? I don’t know about you, but I get a serious goreboner for violent characters in films. I’d totally jump Norman Bates’ bones and I’m not ashamed to admit it. The combination of a ridiculously attractive actor and blood-spurting badassery really gets me. I call it ultraviolent beauteousness, “gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh,” to quote my all-time favorite Kubrickian sexpot, Alex DeLarge. I can’t be the only girl who swoons over a foxy film character with a bloody past, so I’ve compiled a list of my top three ruthless, ass-kicking pussy-throbs (that’s a word, right?). P.S. There are spoilers. You've been warned.

Alexander DeLarge
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
It’s too easy to fall in love with Alex (Malcolm McDowell) in Kubrick’s brilliant adaptation of Burgess’ novel A Clockwork Orange. First of all, he’s beautiful, especially if you’re into Brits (which I so am). He totally rocks those iconic falsies, bowler hat, and codpiece like no one else could. He also looks good in tighty-whities and his butt is wonderful (gratuitous ass-shots are very much appreciated). Alex is the perfect combination of boyish adorableness and ruthless aggression, and his arresting stare with which the film begins is emblematic of this. He is at once cold and inviting, relaxed yet intent, alluring yet frightening. He masturbates while listening to Beethoven and beats a man while performing the classic tune “Singin’ in the Rain.” Alex is as passionate about art as he is about violence, and I can’t help but find that charming as hell. He’s a lout and a murderer, but he isn’t a mindless criminal. Alex is a disturbingly sympathetic character, and I think that might partially be due to his pretty face. He looks overwhelmingly good with blood dripping from his nose, and his weapon of choice – his cane rigged with a bowie knife at the tip – complements all of his ensembles nicely. Alex is an aesthetic feast for the eyes and ears, and his appeal relies on the balance between his need for violence and his love for art. After experiencing the Ludovico technique, Alex loses his allure. He wretches at the thought of physical violence and crumbles upon hearing his once-beloved Ludwig van. He’s so boring and pitiful. It’s at the height of his virility, passion, and aggression that Alex is, in my opinion, his most attractive. And boy is he attractive. No other film character has captured my heart like Alex. 

Black Mamba/Beatrix Kiddo
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & 2 (2003 & 2004)
Tarantino has always been one of my favorite directors because he writes badass female characters and casts smoking hot ladies to play these roles. I practically worship Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction (and have consequently adopted her hairstyle), but I have to admit that her role as Beatrix in the Kill Bill series is the bloodiest and therefore best. Beatrix is set on revenge, and she gets it by slicing off arms, legs, and heads, plucking out eyeballs, and making a dude’s heart explode with her hand. Kill Bill is an absolute bloodbath, and at the center of all the slaughter is the incredibly strong, fast, talented, and fearless, “roaring and rampaging” bride-to-be, Beatrix, codename Black Mamba. And she’s hot. Beatrix is coated in sweat, blood, and/or dirt for the majority of Kill Bill yet she still looks better than most girls do after a jog. Part of Black Mamba’s appeal is definitely her iconic black and yellow jumpsuit, but I find her determination the most attractive. Beatrix endures a shot to the head, rape, being buried alive, and numerous samurai-sword showdowns and hand-to-hand combat in order to stop being an assassin and become a mother. In order to do so she must kill Bill, which repeatedly seems and almost proves to be an impossible task. Most of the action of Kill Bill is unbelievable, but Beatrix’s character is surprisingly relatable and realistic. Her feud with Bill is an extreme representation of something that causes great pain for any person: heartbreak. Beatrix is a symbol for humanity’s ability to endure and carry on, and while that concept might not turn me on, it’s an idea I can get behind. And the excessive amount of blood and gore and sexy, ass-kicking women in Kill Bill helps to drive that message home.  

The Driver
Drive (2011)
It’s really rare for me to walk out of a movie theater and not want to kill myself for having wasted upwards of ten dollars on some bunk blockbuster. Seeing movies is expensive and often not worth it, so I was thrilled after seeing Drive in theaters a few days ago. Drive has everything that I’m crazy about: a great soundtrack, a slow-paced yet exciting plot, HOTTIES (Ryan Gosling and Christina Hendricks, anyone?), and just the right amount of gore. Before I talk about how charming and beautiful Ryan Gosling is as the Driver, I have to admit something. I never found Ryan Gosling attractive prior to seeing this film (I know, the horror!). I have an extreme aversion to vanilla celebrities and I always found Ryan Gosling a little too vanilla for my taste. But then I saw Drive. Gosling’s portrayal of the Driver is flawless. He’s a man of few words (very few words), which makes him soft and childishly adorable yet mysterious and brooding. He maintains a straight-faced and calm persona even while being pursued by cops or driving backwards down a highway at 80 mph. But sometimes he loses it, and when he does, it’s fucking scary. He transforms from his persona as the shyly-smiling “kid” to an unnamed man of mystery who doesn’t think twice about staining his white and gold Scorpio Rising-inspired jacket with a another man’s brains (and continues to wear it! Dreamy!) right in front of his love-interest. The Driver’s character hinges on the balance of his paradoxical traits. Just as he maintains his double-life as a getaway driver and a stuntman, he similarly balances his innocent tenderness toward Irene and Benicio with his blood-thirsty brutality toward those that threaten the people he loves. Did I mention how good the Driver looks with blood all over his face? I squealed when he walked out of the motel bathroom after killing Cook’s men with a shotgun. That’s a really good look for Ryan.


To My Dear Readers and Aficionados (All 2 of You)

I apologize for the lag in posting. School, work, and a social life (what??) have left me with very little time to write this week. I am currently working on a post, but it requires some research aka movie-rewatching (FILM POST, WOOT!), so you can expect that to be published in the next few days (unless I'm afflicted by an ungodly post-birthday hangover).