That's Racist: Excuses Are For Noobs

Meeting people is a pain in the ass. Whoever first said “just be yourself” deserves a punch in the face because that shit’s impossible when you’re trying to make new friends. You usually can’t crack the same jokes that make your best friends laugh to a stranger because different people have different boundaries, and you can never be sure of those boundaries until you get to know the person. This seems like a simple fact to me, but it’s surprising how often people you’ve just met cross the line and say something that makes you uncomfortable. It especially sucks when they say something prejudiced. If you happen to find yourself in the awkward position of deciding to whether or not to address the situation and point out the bigotry in an acquaintance’s statement, I encourage you to say something. Be concise, straightforward, and non-judgmental, and if you’re met with any of the following excuses, be prepared to debunk and demolish them.

“It was only a joke!” The thing is that jokes are supposed to be funny and racism is not funny. Period. Anyone who relies on offensive and ill-informed statements to get a laugh isn’t worth listening to.

“But its true!” It’s amazing that some people actually believe stereotypes, but that’s because they don’t know about self-fulfilling prophecies. Any given stereotype doesn’t exist because it’s a truth, it exists because some idiot made it up and patted himself on the back every time a person did something the reinforce the stereotype. Every time you see a woman get into a car accident, it will remind you of the stereotype that women are bad drivers, but you won’t think anything when you see a man get into a car accident because that stereotype doesn’t exist. Generalizing groups of people through stereotyping is just really uncreative and boring, to be honest.

“I work with/am friends with said group of people!” This is an embarrassingly tired excuse for racism, but people still rely on it. There just isn’t any logic behind it. Being around people whom you are prejudiced against does not qualify you for the Nobel Peace Prize or some shit. It’s called life and it would be a whole lot easier for you if abolished your bigoted views.

“But I identify as said group of people!” The bottom line is that women can be misogynists, minorities can be racist, homosexuals can be homophobic, and the list goes on. Being prejudiced against yourself is extremely harmful.

“You’re just too sensitive!” This is a great way to shut a person down, and it’s a bigot’s knee-jerk reaction to criticism. Many people who are prejudiced consider themselves to be hardened and knowledgeable in ways that other people (ie you) are not. When you criticize something that they say, they will divert the blame to you, saying that it’s your fault that their racist comments hurt or disturb you. That’s bullshit and they know it. Speaking up against prejudice doesn’t make you overly sensitive and therefore not worth listening to; it makes you a logical and rational human being. It’s not your other people are such idiots.  

That's Racist: Friends Are Family That You Choose

Today’s installment of That’s Racist is about responding to prejudice in your friends. Friends are people that you presumably know well and have willingly chosen to surround and associate yourself with. Your friends are a reflection of the beliefs, values, and passions that you all have in common, but what often makes friendships so fulfilling are the nuanced perspectives that each person has to offer due to his or her upbringing and personal experiences. This is why so many friends can be so different and yet so alike. Because your friends are a reflection of what you believe in, it can be shocking and disturbing when one of them slips something discriminatory or intolerant into a conversation. Instead of backhanding your buddy, take a deep breath and follow these steps. 

This form of addressing prejudice is not condoned by Mean Bones, unless she's talking shit about your cat.

See if she checks herself before she wrecks herself. Shit happens, and sometimes people say awful things on accident. If this is the case with your friend, she’ll hopefully be as shocked as you are as to what just came out of her mouth and she’ll swallow her words. A mere “Whoah, there!” on your part will suffice. Don’t harangue her for an innocent mistake that she probably regrets.

If she’s completely oblivious, holla atcha girl. See if she meant what she said, and tell her that you’re not comfortable with that kind of talk. Instead of calling your friend a transphobic whore, try saying something like, “girl, you did not just call that person a tranny in front of me.” Then drop some knowledge! Prejudice stems from ignorance, and the most valuable thing you can do for your friend is educate her on the matter. Many people aren’t aware of the etymology of the word “faggot” when they throw it into conversations. Plenty of young people grew up saying the word “retard” without considering it ableist or offensive. And, unfortunately, many people consider racial stereotypes to be truths instead of the self-fulfilling prophecies that they are. Since people like talking about themselves a whole lot more than being lectured, ask her about her upbringing. Was prejudiced language allowed or encouraged in the household she grew up in? If you try to understand her experiences, it’ll help her understand your beliefs. Chances are she’s not an evil closet-racist, just confused and maybe a little brainwashed.

If all else fails, tell her to get a clue or get lost. If your friend can’t respect your beliefs enough to abstain from using prejudice language around you, she’s not a friend worth having. Remember that your friends are a reflection of what you believe, and if you’re with one person who has narrow-minded views, that can reflect badly on you to someone who may not know you. Take a break from the friendship. When you’re ready to try hanging out with her again, maybe she’ll have missed your company enough to rethink her worldview.  

That's Racist: If All Else Fails, Give Grandma the Finger

This is the first segment of a several-part series I'm working on titled That's Racist: How to Respond to Prejudice Without Loosing Your Cool. We've all experienced an uncomfortable situation when a family member, friend, acquaintance, coworker, or schoolmate says something racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist, or just plain offensive. And we've all had to make the decision to pursue the issue or simply drop it. It's a shitty position to be in for sure, and hopefully the next time it happens to you you're able to fight the good fight without popping a vein. 

It's important to remember that at the root of prejudice is ignorance, not pure wickedness. All the worst -isms you can think of are merely the knee-jerk response and defense mechanism of a person who is confused and wishes to assume a false sense of superiority. But prejudice is also physically, emotionally, and socially harmful to all people, and needs to be addressed. Pointing out the flaws in other people's thought processes can be enlightening and beneficial to everyone, but not all people are receptive to criticism. You need to choose your approach and words wisely in order to avoid coming across as a critical asshole, so I've divided this series according to the difference groups of people you know. Today we'll look at those who hit closest to home: family.

Your family is made up of people that you don’t necessarily have to be around and enjoy the company of all the time, but sometimes, maybe even for just a short amount of time (if you’re lucky), you do. And that can really suck if a family member (or all of them) harbors prejudiced views and feels the need to share them. Nothing can ruin the mood like grandma throwing around a racist term or Uncle Don ranting about “queers” and “faggots” at a family gathering. Trust me, we’ve all been there at some point, and it can be one of the most infuriating and frustrating things to have to sit through. You don’t want to ignore that kind of intolerance while passive-aggressively shoveling your mashed potatoes, but you also don’t want to ignite an all-out family feud at the dinner table. So how does one stand up for her beliefs while respecting her elders and her kin? 

Say something, but choose your words wisely. Instead of saying, “That’s racist, grandma!,” try to tell her that not everyone would agree with her views, and neither do you. Tell her that that sort of language is offensive, and ask her to try not to say it around you or other people in the future. If you’re greeted with hostility, confusion, or apologist language, assert yourself and then simply try to change the subject. Seriously. I know it’s hard, but sometimes the most you can do with family members is just try to avoid talking about certain things (ie most things) with them. It sucks, and it’s boring, but if it gets you through Passover or a 4^th of July BBQ, just take one for the team and talk about your job or a funny cat video you saw online. You can do no wrong with cat videos (unless you decide to read the YouTube comments, which never fail to be as offensive and asinine as possible). 

Ultimately, remember that friends are family that you choose. Some people are just stubborn, especially people who feel that they have superiority over you due to age, or due to the fact that they raised you. That’s why family time can really suck sometimes. Although they may not have an ounce of tolerance, you kind of have to tolerate them, but don’t feel bad for ranting about the fiasco with a friend or significant other, or giving your family the finger behind their backs. Honestly, just flip them off when they aren’t looking. It feels really good.